Cast of Characters
LAURENCE: 80, a professor emeritus
CAROL: 50s, a paint nite instructor
LISA: 23, a graduate student
STACEY: late 30s, an adjunct professor seeking employment
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Setting: Paint Nite
At Rise: LISA, LAURENCE, and STACEY sit at a table prepared with easels and canvases, a picture of a cat, two bottles of wine, and three glasses.
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LISA: This is so much fun! Thanks for inviting me Laurence!
(STACEY rolls her eyes.)
LISA: (whispering to STACEY) The other grad students will be so jealous!
(STACEY rolls her eyes again.)
LAURENCE: I don’t know why my cousin started hosting Paint Nite. There’s no service. What happens when the wine runs out?
(Refills his wine glass.)
STACEY: Boredom? Breakup? Both?
(CAROL enters.)
CAROL: (drunkenly) Alright everyone. Are you ready for some art? To explore your inner demons, dreams, and desires.
LAURENCE: Everyone copying a picture of a kitty isn’t art.
STACEY: It’s representative of late capitalism? It’s/
LISA: Iconography?
LAURENCE: Why not?
STACEY: Can we at least choose our own colors?
CAROL: No, are you the paint instructor? Did you get a degree in….Wait, never mind, I don’t have an art degree…Do whatever you want.
STACEY: I just want to paint a green kitty. If I have to paint a kitty, I want it to be green.
LAURENCE: How very Fauvian of you.
(He pours himself another glass of wine.)
LISA: We don’t have any paint.
(CAROL walks over and drops a basket of paint on their table.)
CAROL: (with attitude) Anything else?
LAURENCE: More wine.
CAROL: That wasn’t a question, Laurence.
STACEY: We don’t have any brushes.
(CAROL takes some brushes out of her apron and slams them on their table.)
CAROL: Anything else?
(STACEY and LISA shake their head and LAURENCE takes another sip of his wine.)
CAROL: (suddenly happy again) Great! Imagine the kitty sleeping in the sunshine. She or he, or maybe this cat is gender fluid, is laying on their back dreaming about chasing birds. This cat handsomely dressed in a tuxedo. A tuxedo cat. Like Marlene Dietrich in Morocco.
STACEY: But I’m painting a green one.
LISA: And I’m doing a tabby.
LAURENCE: Mine’s going to be a giant Maine Coon.
CAROL: Silence! You’re ruining my moment.
LAURENCE: Carol, I really feel like I should say something.
CAROL: Do you want me to start telling your students about last Christmas?
LAURENCE: I don’t think they’d mind hearing about last Christmas. It’s not like our Christmases in the seventies.
CAROL: Ugh! You’ve always been such a smarty pants!
LAURENCE: That’s not —
CAROL: Silence! (smiles) Let’s continue. Now your Marlene Dietrich cat has been waiting patiently. This cat has been so patient it’s been out there for days when the perfect little red cardinal hops over looking for worms. Just when the cat’s about to pounce, an asshole makes a noise and away flies the little bird, forever out of reach from the cat’s life. Never to return. The cat will never know what that bird will tastes like. Never.
STACEY: Do we paint the bird that isn’t there? Or do we paint the asshole?
(LISA laughs.)
LAURENCE: Have some more wine.
(STACEY pours herself a glass of wine and begins jabbing at her canvas with her brush.)
STACEY: Stab. Stab. Stab.
LISA: (to STACEY) So why are you here? You don’t have to kiss up to Laurence anymore.
STACEY: You’re sad.
LISA: What?
STACEY: Don’t you have a life?
LISA: Don’t you?
STACEY: No.
LISA: Oh, you’re serious.
STACEY: I come because he invites me on strange adventures twice a year and always picks up the tab and tells weird stories.
LISA: Is this what I have to look forward to?
STACEY: Probably. Fifty-fifty chance. That and underemployment.
LISA: Hey Laurence, I’m thinking of dropping out of the program.What do you think?
LAURENCE: Why? Relationship drama or lack of initiative?
LISA: No, she says it’s a bad investment.
LAURENCE: That’s sort of true. If you drop out, who are you going to go to paint nite with?
LISA: Oh, I didn’t think of that.
LAURENCE: You’ll be stuck with a group of bitter middle-aged women who go to paint nite to compensate for the fact that they hate their lives and sold themselves out to societal expectations.
LISA: You’re right. I should stay.
STACEY: How would you describe our experience here tonight, Laurence? Are we really doing any better?
LAURENCE: Ah, the student has become the teacher!
STACEY: Thank you, thank you. So what is it that you do when you’re not trying to be Laurence’s pet?
LAURENCE: She is not my pet. Too eager.
LISA: I will be. You can bet on that! I’m very persistent. Once I waited outside my ex-boyfriend’s apartment for two days until he came home. He said that I was too clingy and broke up with me because I was stalking him.
LAURENCE : (to himself) I have a bad feeling about this.
STACEY: And you got him back?
LISA: Yup! We were together for two more years.
STACEY: Why did you break up?
LISA: We didn’t. He died.
(LAURENCE chokes on his wine.)
STACEY: How?
LISA: Car accident. During the great blizzard.
LAURENCE: (to himself) Lucky him.
STACEY: Laurence, you still have the security system installed at home, yes?
(LAURENCE grabs STACEY’s hand.)
LAURENCE: Shhh!
LISA: I have a memorial tattoo
(LISA starts to lift up her skirt. CAROL walks over with drink in hand and even more drunk than before. LISA drops her skirt.)
CAROL: These are some UGLY cats. I must say, you have no hope. And you have no hope. And YOU most certainly…actually you have some hope.
LISA: I have hope? She says I have hope!
LAURENCE: Then perhaps you should leave school and become a cat painter.
CAROL: I can tell you’re a determined person. Look at these strokes. Such vigor and…and…life!
(CAROL starts sobbing.)
LISA: Yes!
STACEY: Should we do something?
LAURENCE: Do you have a Benadryl? Maybe we could drug her and make a run for it.
STACEY: I have epinephrine. That will just speed up her heartbeat. But I meant your cousin.
LAURENCE: Oh, Carol. Let her cry it out. She’ll be okay in a few minutes.
LISA: (to CAROL) Do you want me to take over?
CAROL: You want to take my job?! Fine, you can have it. I don’t want it. While you’re at it, take this too, and this.
(CAROL starts throwing supplies out of her cupboard and throws her apron on the floor.)
I don’t need it! I don’t need any of it. Take it. TAKE. IT. ALL!
LISA: Thank you!
(LISA jumps up.)
So everyone, I hope you’re getting in touch with your inner demons and really starting to express yourselves. I think we’ve learned a lot about ourselves today.
LAURENCE: (to STACEY) Good God. We’re trapped.
STACEY: Just have more wine. We can get through this.
(LAURENCE tips up the first bottle and then the second bottle. They are both empty.)
LAURENCE: We’ve run out!
STACEY: No, no. That can’t be!
LAURENCE: Did you bring your flask?
STACEY: No, but I have nips of brandy in my purse.
LAURENCE: That will have to do.
LISA: Using an extra fine brush draw the branches of a dead tree. Really feel the decay and your impending doom in that tree.
(STACEY and LAURENCE drink nips of brandy as CAROL starts sobbing again.)
Photo Credit: Karlo Kolumno, “To Paint,” 2017