Setting: A senior living community. Day.
At Rise: JANET is sitting on the couch shuffling cards. BARRY enters carrying a letter.
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BARRY: They sent another notice.
JANET: What do we want to bet on this time?
BARRY: They sent another notice.
JANET: I don’t care.
BARRY: They’re going to kick Mimi out.
JANET: No, they’re not.
BARRY: The rules are clear. All residents need to be fifty-five and over. Mimi’s only fourteen.
JANET: She’s our granddaughter. She can live with us. Let’s play.
(JANET deals out two piles of ten cards each and holds out a pile to BARRY.)
BARRY: We need to take this seriously.
JANET: It’s fine.
BARRY: You always say that and then things are not.
JANET: I took care of it.
BARRY: Telling everyone Mimi is a very young looking fifty-five is not “taking care of it.”
JANET: I made an album of all of the puppies that live in the community explaining how even in dog years they were too young to qualify for over fifty-five housing. And that if Mimi couldn’t stay, I would be filing complaints against Fifi, Angela, and Zachariah Fuzziface.
BARRY: That’s not the same thing!
JANET: That’s what Zelda said, so I bought that.
(JANET points to a onesie hanging across the room.)
BARRY: A dog costume?
JANET: Yes. Mimi can wear the dog costume when we’re out and about. They’ll think we have a Newfoundland or something.
BARRY: I…Did it not cross your mind that nobody will buy that?
JANET: Yes. That’s why I also have a backup plan.
BARRY: What’s that?
JANET: Blackmail. I’m going to threaten to rat out Zelda for letting her daughter park in the handicap zone, Jerry for sneaking a camp stove into his apartment, and Portia for smoking in her kitchen.
BARRY: No wonder she’s always burning that cookie candle! I hate it. It makes me so hungry, and she knows I’m diabetic!
JANET: I just thought she was a bitch.
BARRY: What about the others?
JANET: We’re covered.
(Takes out a giant notebook full of the other residents’ secrets.)
BARRY: Okay. Let’s play cards.
THE END.
Photo Credit: Leopictures, “Notebook,” 2016