Helen Lewis: When she awoke, Veronica was disappointed to discover that she had dysentery.
Rae Mansfield: Floating in the air were the words, “Veronica has died of dysentery.”
Linda Lau: It was a shame, because Veronica had just met the love of her life, the day before.
Helen Lewis: Jedediah, the love of Veronica’s life, had dysentery from drinking tainted water, but promised to make a full recovery after taking some medicine.
Rae Mansfield: Jedediah’s father said, “Son, you should have gone with beer.”
Linda Lau: Jedediah replied, “Yes, I should have.”
Helen Lewis: Jedediah usually didn’t listen to his father, because his father tended to give really shitty advice, but this time he could see the argument made sense.
Rae Mansfield: Examples of terrible advice that his father had given him included putting pom poms on the horses, which they did not like.
Linda Lau: Another example was when he got lost in the woods, his father told him to just go any direction.
Helen Lewis: He will never forget when he fell in a pit full of snakes.
Rae Mansfield: That’s how Jedediah discovered that he was actually a snake handler.
Linda Lau: And he brought the snakes back with him, which he just remembered he had.
Helen Lewis: We should also mention that Veronica was a snake.
Rae Mansfield: Ghost Snake Veronica: rest in peace.
Helen Lewis: Ghost Snake Veronica showed up floating next to Jedediah’s head.
Linda Lau: Together again, Jedediah decided to have some beer with Veronica.
Helen Lewis: “Hiss hiss,” said Veronica.
Rae Mansfield: Jedediah offered Ghost Veronica the beer, but it fell through her ghost body and landed on the ground.
Linda Lau: He was sad about that, so he sang her a song.
Helen Lewis: “Play that funky music white boy,” sang Jedediah.
Rae Mansfield: Father said “Pipe down kid, the old man’s hung.”
Linda Lau: Jedediah sang quietly.
Helen Lewis: Veronica the Ghost Snake was so moved by his 70s funk tune that it miraculously brought her back to life and cured her of her dysentery.
Rae Mansfield: She asked Jedediah if he would like her to be his necktie.
Linda Lau: He said, “Yes.”
Helen Lewis: So Veronica slinked her way around Jedediah’s neck and tied herself into a sensible Windsor knot.
Rae Mansfield: Jedediah was the envy of all who saw him as they headed West along the Oregon Trail.
Linda Lau: He continued drinking beer and got better.
Helen Lewis: But then he got typhoid, because the Oregon Trail is pretty challenging.
Rae Mansfield: And so Ghost Veronica and Ghosts Jedediah decided to go haunt Jedediah’s dad.
Picture Credit: Isaac van Ostade, “Study of a Covered Wagon,” c. 1646-1649, Metropolitan Museum of Art