The following letter can be used as an acting exercise, a reader’s theatre exercise, or as a performance piece!
Dearest Winnie,
This is Walter, your downstairs neighbor. I am requesting that you maintain a reasonable volume between the hours of 12 am to 11:59 pm. Reasonable volume is 65-70 decibels. Anything louder risks damage to hearing.
Your xylophone playing is far too loud. You may deny my complaint and say that you’re actually playing the marimba, or the glockenspiel, or the celesta, or a gamalon, or some other sort of confounded instrument played by striking a mallet, but your incessant racket is upsetting my chinchilla Mister Jones. Mister Jones has very sensitive ears. Does he not deserve a decent quality of life? Please take heart that our dislike of the volume does not mean that Mister Jones and I don’t occasionally appreciate your rousing renditions of “Tico Tico,” “Moonlight Feels Right” and “Gone Daddy Gone.” We just wish they were quieter.
Also, are you a xylophonist in a marching band? I can hear you marching around in your apartment which confounds me because all of the homes in this community are carpeted. Can you walk more reasonably? Or perhaps put down some rugs? Or hang blankets on the walls? Wayfair is currently having a 60% off sale and they have a variety of rugs to choose from, even for someone with questionable tastes like you. If their selection doesn’t suit you, there’s also Target and Walmart. They all deliver so you can place an order at your leisure.
I would also like to take this opportunity to formally invite you to dinner. Yes, I mean on a date. I am aware that this might sound strange considering the complaints I communicated to you in the paragraphs above. However, do not take my strong aversion to your noise level as any indication that I do not admire you and have romantic feelings for you. I make stromboli (my father was a chef) and I have a nice bottle of 1945 pinot noir from Domaine de la Romanée-Conti La Tâche. There are only four left in the world and I would like to share it with you.
If you are not interested in dating me, perhaps we can be friends on Facebook. My email is thatweirdneighbor@gmail.com
Thank you for reading my letter. I hope you will seriously consider lowering your volume and/or coming over for dinner. I’m free every day this week and for the foreseeable future.
Yours Truly,
Walter in Unit 405
Photo Credit: Pexels, “Close-Up,” 2016