Theatre for Lifelong Learning Improv: The “First” Professional Women’s Hockey League Game

SETTING: The stands at a hockey arena in Lowell, Massachusetts. 

AT RISE: JENNA, RAE, and LINDA are watching a Professional Women’s Hockey League game. 

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LINDA: Thanks for inviting us, Rae. This is so epic! The. First. Professional. Women’s. Hockey. LEEEAAAAGUEEEE!

JENNA: Technically it’s the second professional women’s hockey league but the other one went out of business, so they restarted this year with six teams. 

LINDA: How do you even know that? You’re not even into hockey.

(JENNA shrugs.)

RAE: And the teams don’t have names yet. They’re just Boston. Minnesota. Ottawa. Montreal.

LINDA: We could name ‘em.

RAE: The Boston We Actually Play in Lowells?

JENNA: That is not a good name for a team.

LINDA: Yeah, that’s too long.

RAE: The old team was the Boston Pride. 

JENNA: The Cods. Or maybe “the Boston Clambakes.”

RAE: As in “That was a real nice clambake, I’m awfully glad I came?”

JENNA: Exactly. 

LINDA: I’ve never been to a clambake.

RAE: Every summer there’s a clam and lobster bake on one of the Harbor Islands.

JENNA: Didn’t you go with us? 

LINDA: No. 

JENNA: Everyone was invited.

LINDA: I wasn’t there. 

RAE: Some of our classmates brought their auntie’s neighbor’s roommate’s dog. Everyone was invited. I mean I don’t know why I was there. I’m allergic to shellfish. 

LINDA: I’m over this. I told you I wasn’t there. What snacks did you bring?

RAE: None. The rules said “NO SNACKS!”

JENNA: You didn’t sneak in anything? (rifling through her bag) I have pretzels and granola bars, three oranges, melba toast…

LINDA: The food here is garbage. (takes out a banana) You want a banana? Oh right. I forgot. You hate bananas.

JENNA: I have yogurt and some mini cookies.

(JENNA takes out a small steel cooler from her backpack.)

RAE: How? How did you smuggle that in? It’s metal.

JENNA: I stood behind you in line to go through the metal detectors. You always set them off and have to empty your pockets. So I just walked in behind you.

RAE: I have metal rods in my leg! 

(The sirens go off.)

LINDA: Oh, wait…what happened? 

JENNA: Minnesota scored a goal.

(The hockey players start fight-dancing. THE REF blows her whistle but the players keep fight-dancing. THE REF keeps blowing her whistle.)

LINDA: What are they doing? 

RAE: They’re fighting.

JENNA: That’s not really fighting. I’m confused. 

RAE: They’re not allowed to fight so they’re having a dance battle.

LINDA: What?! Jenna flew all the way from Minnesota? And you’re telling us that no one’s teeth are going to get knocked out and no one is going to get kicked in the face with a skate?

JENNA: Actually it isn’t so bad. We just need an opera or musical to go with this…like “Brindisi” from La Traviata, “Nessun Dorma” in Turandot, or Michael Crawford singing “All I Ask of You.”

RAE: Ohh, or “Room Where it Happens.”

LINDA: Or Cats?

JENNA and RAE: CATS?!?!

LINDA: I don’t know any musicals!

(“Cell Block Tango” comes on over the loudspeakers.)

JENNA: This works.

THE END.